Beckisantizdqn's Weblog

Lost With Out

Becki — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 21:46:54 +0000

I hate that I let something else come between us.
I hate that I thought someone else was more important
I hate that I asked you to stay away from me,
its not what I wanted.

I hate that you have made me the happiest in a long time,
N that I haven’t said what i need to say to you.
*Kiss Kiss* I love you.

I am so sorry.
You truly have no idea.

I sit here crying now and I won’t be able to sleep. I can’t sleep!
N all because I want to be in your arms and feel your touch and be with you.
Not with him not now not never.
You are my savior until summer,
My heart is still breaking and thats all I can hear *CrAsH*

Poem 6~~Greatest Need.

Becki — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 22:19:57 +0000

You left me a few years ago,
I thought I couldn’t take it.
Yet stayed by me these past couple of years.

You were my greatest road trial,
Yet you saved me this fall. So in all,
I haven’t lost you.

Poem 5~~I’ll GO

Becki — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 22:15:10 +0000

Yes, I stayed,
But I’m not meant for here.
I got accepted to my Yale,
Sorry but I can’t stay here.

Poem 4~~ I won’t GO

Becki — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 22:12:06 +0000

I graduated,
I won,
I defeated the dragon,
But I won’t G.O.

Poem 3 ~~ Drive

Becki — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 22:09:25 +0000

Driven to win
Ruthless at heart
Innovated power
Vengeful hate
Everything threatens me.

Blog 1~~ Short Story: McNair

Becki — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 18:02:00 +0000

My Research Dreams Come True
It started with one phone call from my mother. “Rebecca Kay Jeryline Santi,” she said to me. My instant reaction was, “Mom, I swear I didn’t do it. I did nothing wrong!” Yes, anytime my entire name is used I immediately say I didn’t do it. It’s like what a little kid does. Then she said a magical sentence, “You have been accepted into the IUP McNair Scholars Program!” I lost it I was screaming with joy and jumping around my apartment. My neighbors thought I was being robbed and my animals, 2 cats and a dog, were also going crazy. YES! This meant that I could do the research that I wanted. I COULD STUDY SEX! This was awesome. I was overjoyed and consumed by so much emotion. This also helped ensure a place in grad schools and looks great on my undergraduate c.v. The interviews and welcoming parties that were held in the following weeks were quite rigorous. We were meeting with IUP officials and already talking to grad schools like UMD, George Mason and a few others. I was so excited. On top of it all I was getting paid to do research and to stay in school and to go to grad school. It was a match made in heaven. The two weeks after school let out for summer of 2009. We weren’t in full swing for a week and we were all, there were 15 of us, off to D.C. Oh my fucking God was that fun. I was still freshly 21 and I wanted to drink and have fun, so I did. I was doing research at the time too but also I was having troubles. My relationship was starting to fall apart due to my doings and I was starting to become addicted to the high of getting drunk and living on the edge of danger.
All of this living on the edge was starting to endanger my Scholarship, basically, with McNair. Not to mention affect my relationship. I got so engrossed in my research I started to stray from my relationship and from my school work. I was tempted several times along the way to quit my relationship and to quit McNair due to I found out one girl took my idea and my mentor as well. I was pissed. I have been actually researching sexual double standards and college students since my freshmen year of college and this cunt had the balls to step on my territory. I told her who I was working with, who my mentor was, and what I was studying. When we met she had no idea what she wanted to do so she stepped on my property. However, at a conference it did come back to bite her in the ass, but if you couldn’t tell I am still bitter and harboring a grudge.
But before getting to the symposium days before presenting and turning in my proposal my computer exploded. I lost everything. I had to recreate everything for my paper and my symposium, which started in 2 days. I only had a few hand written notes to go off of. I was pissed, stressed, and struggling to keep my head and sanity level above water. I ended up drinking each night to dull the insanity and it was not a fun time. I spent those next two days working all day and drinking at night after a long stressful day of recreation. FUCK. This was not supposed to happen. Since the accident I have invested in several flash drives, cd-r’s, and email folders. I am now all kinds of prepared. 
In the end I was able to pull a proposal together and a presentation for the symposium. It went off without a hitch and I did quite well according to Dr. M, Hilary, and my other fellow scholars. I learned a lot about myself and that being prepared is better than being sorry later. I am currently finishing up my first research project and hope to have it completely done by the end of the year if not by the end of next semester. I am having problems with my current mentor, but we are working on our working relationship as we speak. If you get the chance to apply for a program like this do it. But know that it is a journey in itself, and requires blood and sweat and little sleep. Yet it is so worth it.

Poem 2~~ Finish

Becki — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 12:51:17 +0000

I started it now
I can’t end it here
I’ve come this far
So to the line I go.

Poem 1~~xxYou Got Mexx

Becki — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 20:42:03 +0000

Another semester here,
Another semester with this man.

I’m not here for the fame,
I’m not here for the letter.

I’m here for me,
I’m trying to help and keep you on the path.

Take me or leave me,
But it’s your lose if you don’t use my talents.

Course Assistant Introduction 2

Becki — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 11:58:38 +0000

Well, if you haven’t seen or guessed my name is Becki and I will be helping out with English 121 with the comical and fun loving Marlen Harrison. I am a caffeine addict, Coffee is my main drug of choice next to smoking. If I don’t have a caffeine or coffee product in hand something is wrong. You can learn more about me on my About Page or also by just asking me; I love questions. I may come off as a put off bitch or seem unapproachable but really I’m not that scary (So I’ve been told).

I am expecting to give you, his new students, a helping/ guiding hand about the course materials and stress that it is key to keep up on the material. His course load is quite light compared to most professors. After finding out 3 weeks into the semester that this guy, Marlen, was going to not be the substitute but the actual professor of my course when I took it last fall 2008 I thougt I was going to loose it. After following one syllabus and then jumping into his syllabus which appeared to be quite lengthy, I was not happy and was quite bitchy about it. I had a 19 hour credit load and to catch up 3 weeks of work was just going to impossible. I may be that voice you hear when you think it is impossible saying, “It could be worse. : )”

So after hauling ass it was all smooth sailing from there. The asignements, unless otherwise noted are a paragraph minumum long and all about your opinion and view; How hard can voicing your opinion be? I think it is a great course, and also I’ve never laughed so hard and was able to be me.I think this class for you all taking it for the first time will love it, but I feel I’m best going to be able to show you it’s easier to express yourself than you think even if you hate talking about your feelings or feelings in general. This class helped me learn a bit more about myself and I think the literature chosen will be easy to digest than ours which was a bit crammed. This class is one of the best you could have chosen to do.
If you ever feel your stuck or have questions about what your reading, I’m always online and readily available.

Not talking about it (whatever it may be) is easy, talking about it takes courage and I hope you get to share that in this class.

I can’t wait to start working with you all and remember I’m in it with you too; you’re never alone and you are ALWAYS free to disagree.

**Pre-warning I tend to swear on occasion, so don’t mind me. : p

Archetype Test(Warrior)

Becki — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 21:49:18 +0000

Warrior

The Warrior defeats the villain and rescues the victim. Warriors are courageous and disciplined, imposing high standards on themselves. At worst, they run roughshod over others. At best, they assert themselves appropriately to make the world a better place.

After taking the class and being a course assistant last semester I can say this will change daily. I feel this way because no one feels the same every single fuckin day. I never do. Yes I’m always bitchy and a chain-smoking caffeine addict (among other things), however I can feel sad, sexy and a royal cunt on certain days. I noticed that this changes due to this class. Yes you can be a dominate warrior or caregiver or whatever, but sublevels of this changes. Today I am a warrior tomorrow I could be a fuckin magician for all I know, but life is change. Things change; people change. If shit stayed constant I would fuckin suck. Yes, if you haven’t realized it yet I fuckin like to swear. So I’m sorry if I offend you, but I mean no disrespect. This course is a constant reminder of your life and self changing, again nothing is constant. Change is good even though sometimes I feel its a really bad thing. But I’d rather have some change than be a boring bump on a log or like Barbie.

WHAT DO YOU THINK???